Is being an Alpha Female hurting your chances of finding love after 50?
I admit it. I can be quite the Alpha Female who had to learn how to deal with men in a different way.
I’d always gotten along with men, laughing, joking, and just enjoying their energy.
It wasn’t until I heard the words, “You don’t know how to let a man be a man” from two different men that I realized something wasn’t right.
(If you’ve ever heard my story, this was a turning point in my life and what ultimately lead me to becoming a dating coach guiding women on the journey of attracting love with a good man into their life after 50.)
Back to the story…I really didn’t know what those words, “You don’t know how to let a man be a man” meant.
Did it mean I was supposed to be a doormat and just lie down and let them walk all over me?
Did it mean I didn’t have a choice or a say in what happened in the relationship?
I remember feeling so confused and actually kind of scared.
I looked back on my relationship with the men I’d dated and made note of a couple of words I’d heard more than once.
Words like controlling, ordering, emasculating.
And I began figuring out exactly what these meant to men and to my ego that was feeling a bit hurt that I’d been perceived this way.
What I learned was ordering meant asking a man to do something the way you’d ask a woman to do it.
Controlling meant, telling him how to do whatever task you’ve asked him to do.
And emasculating meant, not letting him be what he is…a man who wants to do his best to please you.
So, I began trying out words with men to see how they’d react.
And I found what I now call the 4 Magic Words that men can actually hear and respond well to.
What are these 4 Magic Words?
“I need your help.”
So simple yet so hard for many of us ladies to say.
We are so used to be independent that asking for help feels a bit like being perceived as weak.
But you’re not weak.
Nor was I.
But, I have to admit saying those 4 words was not easy at first.
I remember going up to the produce guy in the grocery store and practically choking on those magic words when I asked for his help in picking out a ripe cantaloupe.
What happened though surprised me.
His chest puffed up as he hurried over to the cantaloupes and started to check each one out.
When he found the right one, he looked up at me with the smile of a proud man.
I thanked him for his help and told him how much I appreciated him finding such a fine ripe cantaloupe.
I was so surprised to see his chest puff up even more as he told me, “Always a pleasure to help.”
I tried this experiment again at a different grocery store but this time when the produce guy proudly handed me the cantaloupe, I looked at him and said…”this is way too ripe. it’s going to rot before I even get it home. Maybe that one’s better. Or that one over there.”
The smile dropped off his face.
His body literally caved in like a puppy does when you say . . . “No, no, no to it.”
It was painful to watch and I felt terrible because truthfully the cantaloupe was quite ripe and smelled amazing.
I did apologize to him for being so bitchy and told him what I was up to which set off a whole litany of stories about feeling emasculated that I won’t repeat here.
What I will share is that I learned 3 important lessons using the 4 magic words . . . I need your help.
#1 Men truly want to help you and make you happy and will do their best to make it happen.
#2 Men, like us, get hurt when they are criticized for what they do for you especially when they are trying to do their best at helping you.
#3 Men don’t like being told how to do their job
Since that time, I’ve used the 4 magic words hundreds of times along with “thank you, I so appreciate it!”
And it’s helped me get my needs met by men over and over again.
In fact, when I use them, men always jump hoops to help me.
It really is magic!
I’d love to hear how these 4 magic words are working for you.
Let me know by posting your comment below.
Believing in You!
Your Next Steps to Love after 50. . . .
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You are absolutely right! Men do not like being told what to do but if you frame a request via words and body language they are more than happy to help. If I dare to question how my boyfriend squeezes the lemon or turns on the coffee machine, he flips out! He is an engineer so thinks he knows how everything works. He wants to feel appreciated and loved for his help and for being who he is! A genuine person who cares about others. However, if I make suggestions softly and gently about how he should go about something (usually in the kitchen which is my territory) he responds positively, Often I find that when he gets upset with something I say, it isn’t the content but the form and tone I use (holier or more knowledgeable than thou() He is more than willing to believe the playing field on which we act is level but he is better at some things (opening jars/fixing things/cutting bread evenly) than I and vice versa.
Love how you’re handling this Alison. Men will jump hoops to make you happy as long as we don’t tell them how to do it. Enjoy your guy!
Any other magic words to try?
What are signs of a Beta male, since I’m an alpha according to a guy friend.
It’s more about your alpha characteristics and that usually comes down to how we speak to men. As women we are community oriented but men hear that language as ordering them around. Men on the other hand, are hero oriented. They want to step up and make you happy. The secret is to let them do that in their way. Make sense Emmie?
Brilliant- it works and even with your sons and men you work with!
Thanks Lisa
You’re so welcome Marlene. Men love when we trigger their hero response which the 4 magic words do.
The light bulb just went on. Thank you! I totally appreciate this
I’m so glad Sandy. 🙂