9 Things about Being Single You Wish Your Married Friends Knew
It’s true when people say you never know what it’s like to stand in someone else’s shoes.
This disconnect is happening every day in relationships between married and single friends in their 50’s, 60’s and 70’s as both men and women lose long-time spouses.
As a dating coach for women over 50, I hear the pain in women’s voices when they talk about their married friends and the social lives they miss being part of.
They longingly wish they could share what it’s like to be single and alone at this time in their life without coming across as needy or unhappy.
I’ve put together the 9 most common things I’ve heard from women over the years.
My hope is that this blog opens everyone’s eyes (single and married) to be more compassionate and aware of what it’s like when life changes, you’re on your own and no longer part of a couple.
#1 . . . We know you mean well when you tell us what a great catch we are and that we’ll be married again before we know it.
But when it doesn’t happen right away, we feel like we’re a failure in your eyes.
Instead, we’d love if you could encourage us to go out and date when we’re ready and that you’ll be there to listen when we need a loving ear.
#2 . . . Please try and give the men we’re dating a chance.
We know it’s hard for you to adjust to us being with someone else especially when we’ve shared a long history together.
Whether he is in our life for six months or we marry him, if you and your husband could make an effort to get to know this new man, we’d so appreciate it.
We know it takes effort to get to know someone new but when you choose not to, what we feel is that you don’t care about our friendship anymore and that really hurts cause we miss being with you.
#3 . . . Please don’t share that you thought a man was bad for us after we’ve broken up with him.
Sometimes, even if you didn’t like him, we did.
Our hearts are hurting and we could use your loving support at this time.
#4 . . . If you haven’t heard from us in a while, instead of asking all our old friends if they’ve seen us, give us a call to make sure we’re ok.
It would mean a lot to know we’re still on your radar.
#5 . . . Please consider inviting us back to the holiday parties we always enjoyed over the years.
We miss connecting with our couple friends both male and female.
We were part of the group for a long time and it hurts to be left out.
#6 . . . Please understand we’ve had to experience a lot of change on our own such as downsizing, loss of people in our lives, and suddenly being single after being part of a couple for so many years.
You are blessed to have a partner to share your emotions with.
We are doing it all alone.
This is a time we could really use your support.
#7 . . . We can spend a lot of dinner times on both weekdays and weekends alone especially if our kids live far away.
Let’s do dinner together sometime and bring your husband too.
We’re not interested in him in any way but as a friend and we miss the friendship all of us shared.
#8 . . . Many of us are strong successful women.
We have a tendency to hide the pain we’re feeling and will act as if everything is alright.
Sometimes if we feel close and safe with you, we will dump everything that has been happening in our lives on you because we have no one else to share our thoughts with.
We don’t mean to do that but we are so grateful you let us express what is on our mind.
#9 . . . We so treasure our friendship and we’re here for you too when you need us.
Now it’s your turn.
Agree? Disagree?
Would love to hear your thoughts.
Just post them below.
Believing in You!
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And don’t forget the part about how are married female friends are worried about us attractive divorced/ widowed laddies are worried that we will steal their husbands/ boyfriends. It’s real- I’ve experienced this several times. That’s why we are no longer included.
I’m so sorry Carol. Its a shame. Most women have no interest in their friends husbands.
Oh my gosh, this so resonates
With me. I have been exhausted these past few years trying to explain over and over my feelings about single life and ALL the loses it entails to my well- meaning friends (since my divorce after 22 years) JUST because you may be over the loss of the husband , does not mean you’re not experiencing the other loses of being part of a “couple” or a “family.”
What I miss the most is just having a sounding board and the end of the day … and my husband was not even a GOOD communicator haha! – but he was “safe.”
My aunt, Just this weekend, asked how I was doing right now and I was having a rough moment , so I was honest . She then said : I want the strong, happy Heidi back ! Well guess what, strength is a character trait and happiness is a fleeting feeling.
I’ve been subscribed to your blog for while now and this one was the one that I really needed to hear today to know I am
Not alone with these thoughts.
Thank you , Lisa!
Heidi…I’m so glad this blog was helpful for you. So true that others want you to show up a certain way. It makes them feel safe without taking into consideration where you are at.
I am tempted to post this! It is so true I am so lonely in the same town I was married and raised my kids. Thanks for putting in words you got it right on!
You’re so welcome and feel free to post the link to the blog Jaci. It really helps both your married and single friends have more compassion for each other. Here’s the link to do that: https://findaqualityman.com/9-things-about-being-single-you-wish-youre-married-friends-knew/
Dear Married Friend:
1. I was friends/co-workers/neighbor with your spouse for many years. Years before he met you!! I helped him through his previous relationships and marriages before you. PLEASE DO NOT PUSH ME OUT OF FRIENDSHIP WITH YOUR HUSBAND. I AM NOT TRYING TO “SNAG” HIM AWAY FROM YOU. But not only is he my friend AND I AM HIS FRIEND. Could I not add joy/compassion/understanding to your life if you get up the courage to trust me? Doesn’t your husband want me to be his friend (afraid to ask you?)? Are you sure you can’t trust me or did someone else in your life hurt you?
2. Dear Married friends: Please do not assume that I have invitations for Christmas, Thanksgiving, holidays, etc. Often our relatives are few, far away and/or deceased.
there I got my frustration out
It can be frustrating Barbara. Glad you were able to vent.
and maybe, just maybe, I may convince a guy who is married that maybe–just maybe–he is in the wrong and that his wife is right about …you name it…!
Maybe, just maybe, I am helping out a friend’s marriage because I care about my friend and want him to have a good marriage (and I can give better insight than his moron buddies)…
Just sayin’ in jersey