Dear Lisa… Why Do The Wrong Men Always Want Me?
Dear Lisa,
I met a man online who seemed perfect for me. We emailed back and forth for about a month. We felt so comfortable that we ended up sharing a lot about our lives, including really personal stuff.
We moved to the phone and talked a couple of times. It felt like we had such a deep connection. We literally could talk about anything. Well, we decided to meet. I was so excited. I dressed carefully because I just felt like this man could be the one and I wanted to look really good for him.
We meet and for some reason in person the spark just wasn’t there. I really liked him on the phone and in emails but in person I was so disappointed. He must have felt the same way too because I haven’t heard from him since that date. What happened? Diane
Diane,
When you spend a lot of time emailing and talking on the phone, you are building a fantasy relationship – creating a picture in your head of who you think someone is. Then when you meet and he doesn’t fit the picture…it fizzles.
The best think to do is limit emails to 2 or 3 and phone calls to 1 or 2. It’s good to get to a first date as quickly as possible to see whether a real relationship is possible.
This way you won’t over share personal information about yourself with a man who might not turn out to be right for you.
Dear Lisa,
I think I’m falling for this man who lives about an hour and a half away. We definitely have chemistry but he just won’t do a relationship unless the girl practically lives next door to him.
I just want to scream because when we do hang out together, we have so much fun. Besides the chemistry we can talk about anything. He’s amazing! I want to just shake him and say wake up, what you want is right in front of you.
Is there anything I can do to get him to go from friend status to romantic? Oh, he was willing to do Friends With Benefits. If I do that, will it help get him to see that I would be a fabulous girlfriend? Thanks for your help. Sad and Feeling Rejected
Dear Sad,
The difference between men and women is that women dance around what they really mean to say so no one gets hurt. Men say exactly what they mean and if this man says he’s not interested in a long distance relationship, he means it.
Do not go into a Friends With Benefits relationship hoping it will change him. It won’t. You’ll end up bonding with him and the hormones that create the bonding will stay with you for up to 2 weeks. For him, they last only 3 days.
He’s not boyfriend material for you. If this man wanted to be with you, the distance wouldn’t matter to him. Move on and find a man who’s willing to climb over mountains to get to you. That’s the type of man you want in your life and that’s the type of man who will do what it takes to make a committed relationship work.
Dear Lisa,
I’m 60 years old, a very pretty woman with blond hair and blue eyes. My hair is past my shoulders. I wear a size 10, working to get into an 8. I look like I’m in my 40’s. The men I date online say I look better than my photos on the site. I get dates with much older men, not the classy type of men I want. I am educated and classy. I need your help to turn things around for me. Thank you, Ellison
Ellison,
It sounds like you are pretty awesome. Your concern of not getting dates with the men you want is very common. In fact, men tell me a similar story. The women they want to date don’t want them.
The problem with online dating is it’s very one-dimensional. Chances are, you are making snap decisions about men based on their looks and maybe their profile.
I will tell you that there are a lot of very good men online who want a relationship but get passed over because they aren’t the best looking men out there.
It’s too bad because these men are worth meeting. Also, men can grow on us and become cuter in our eyes as we get to know them better. So its worth giving a nice man a chance to see if a spark is there after a few dates.
Another challenge may be your profile. Next month, I’ll be teaching a 2-part class for writing a profile that gets you noticed by the men you want to meet. Knowing these secrets could make a huge difference in the men you are attracting online.
I would love to hear what you think.
If you have a Dear Lisa question, feel free to post it here: https://findaqualityman.com/dear-lisa/.
Until next time~
Believing in You!
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Yep, Lisa that was good advice, severely limit emails and phone communication. Some guys are merely looking for pen pals, some know they have something to hide. Wasted a month communicating and some 500 miles of driving on a dude that had far better photos than he looked IRL. His photos and life seemed a perfect match: had a PhD like me, was a biologist, like me, formed environmental policy. IRL he was 50 lbs heavier than his pics, was horribly out of breath walking one block on the level, and had really poor social skills to the point of being offensive. A few emails, one phone call to check out his voice, look for anything weird, that’s it. Guys that want someone on their doorstep should not even bother contacting anyone else, it gives one false hopes and is in a way, cruel. If you cannot be bothered to see me at least half way, dont even bother emailing.
As much as we push on line these days, my experience has been that it does not work well for educated women looking for an equal. I find it is really more for middle of the road, middle to lower income, middle class lifestyle folk without a lot of formal education, at least in the 50-70 range. It could be that men in this age range just never got educations. I am similar the 60 year oldposter, senior level academic, fit, long black hair, exotic looks, a doctorate, supposedly looks younger than my 53 years and what you get almost exclusively on line are guys far less educated (high school) with a corresponding lifestyle (not so much money as interests). Its a very unequal playing field, lots of high end women, much fewer men in the same place. Most guys on the low education end are not going be happy long term with a female who reads rather than watches TV, outearns them big time, is into art, culture, environmental stuff, is active and prominenet in the community, meaning the guy will have to attend events requiring him to dress up and class up. In this community, a major issue is that most older uneducated men are looking for a meal ticket and do not care about the woman at all. A good friend of mine just lost her job because her less educated and socially inept spouse made inapproriate remarks to the wrong people at a high end work related event. A fellow academic,or professional would have known better, this poor dude did not. She outearned him by a factor of 10; his wages will not support their children, not by a long shot. I too had to dump a guy in a similar life situation because he made inappropriate remarks about colleagues and would discuss strictly confidential professional business (learned second hand, not from me)with guys he met at the bar. He had no clue this was wrong. Generally by their 50s+, most guys are pretty set in their lives. I would suggest meeting men IRL in the right places (avoid bars, clubs, stick to arts events, races if an athlete as athletes tend to be better educated, charity events, stuff that attracts classy folk). In rural areas, this is really hard to do so constantly switching on line sites or travelling long distances to events are pretty much your only choices.
Sorry about the typos and spacing errors, soing this on a smartphone, cannot see more than two lines of type at a time and impossible to scroll up/down. Frustrating.
I have the issue of men contacting me on dating sites, who are sooo outside my profile/what I’m looking for. It seems that they are contacting me based on my photos alone, and not reading my information.
I know it’s good to date outside your comfort zone, but when 75 and 80 year old guys contact me (I’m 60), I get annoyed. How about the ones with only high school diplomas? (I have two masters degrees.)
This is really common. This is why I bail out of on line half the year. I have a doctorate, two other degrees, and am pretty up front about my ultrarunning, staunch liberalism and environmentalism. So I am innundated with obese high school dropouts who worship Ayn Rand. Go figure.They are only looking at your photos, I call this RTFP (read the f@#$%&* profile) syndrome. Illiteracy in over 50 men may be much more prevalent. I dunno. For some reason guys do not care what we want in terms of background, education, etc. They think they’re perfect for us even though they are the exact opposite of what we want. Some guys, the desperate ones, contact anyone and everyone hoping for a response.
Ann
Something else. Be proactive, troll the site you are on and actually SEE if there aremen that you’d be OK with. Some sites, in some regions, are pretty much devoid of the sort of men we seek. If you find some, you contact them. I realize many blogs say not to do so, men are supposed to be the pursuers, but what do you have to lose? Sticking with dudes that are interested but wrong for you isn’t going to work either. If your trolling leads to not finding any men even remotely interesting, leave the site for 6 months, get on another and repeat. Like I stated in my first rant, I am not at all sure on line works for finding educated, socially adept, better quality men.
Great advice. You’ve summed up the situation in a nutshell. It also helps explain why I get lots of first dates and no call backs. Yes, Virginia, I am true to my profile, had you read it! Off to the art gallery– better than the Rogues’ Gallery!