Dear Lisa- Will He Cheat On Me Too?
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Dear Lisa,
I’ve had 5 dates with one of the nicest men I’ve ever met. We get along so well and really enjoy each other’s company. I should be happy I’ve found someone like him but on our last date, he told me about having an affair while he was married.
He told me his wife was never around. When she wasn’t working, she was out with friends or taking care of family. He was so lonely. One night as he was taking the garbage to the curb, his single neighbor stopped by and they started talking.
It was a nice night out and they were having fun, something he hadn’t been having with his wife in a long time. She invited him over for a beer that turned into a lot of beers. They were talking and laughing and he felt really happy for the first time in years.
Long story short, they ended up meeting up on a regular basis and that’s how the affair began. His wife caught the two of them when she came home early and that’s what led to their divorce.
He and this woman tried moving into a relationship but found there wasn’t enough there beyond sex so they parted ways. Now he’s dating but they are still friends. He tells me he feels badly about the whole thing and tells me he never wants to get involved with a woman again who has no space in her life for him. He says if his wife had only paid attention to him, he would never have gotten involved with another woman.
I’m in a quandary. I really like him and he seems like a great man but adultery is against everything I believe in. Plus, I wonder if he will do it again. What should I do? Help. Jean
Jean,
I wish I could hand you a crystal ball that could predict your future relationship where this man is concerned.
Unfortunately, I don’t. What I can offer you are 3 questions you can ask yourself about the possibilities of a relationship with him.
Question #1… Does this man accept responsibility for having an affair?
From what you described, it sounds like he is placing the blame on his ex-wife for never being around.
An affair happens because something isn’t right in a marriage.
The question to ask him is why he didn’t feel loyal enough to his wife and marriage to work the issues out when he was miserable.
Question #2… Will you always worry about whether he’ll cheat on you?
There is no guarantee this won’t happen again.
Can you trust this man or will a fear of him cheating on you eat you up whenever he’s late or excessively checking his email?
Question #3… Are you trusting your instincts?
Go inside and ask yourself whether this man feels trustworthy to you.
If he does, give it a shot. It may have just been a one-time mistake.
If you feel constantly unsettled by his past actions, he’s probably not the right person for you and in that case, it’s wise to get back out there and date. Someone else is out there who will be a better fit to your core beliefs and values about life.
Dear Lisa,
I’m going out with a man who insists we do what he wants to do on dates. I’m sick and tired of seeing testosterone movies on Saturday night. It would be nice if we could go to movies I like as well but he won’t hear of it. Last weekend, our date was spent at his adult son’s softball game. Ugh! How can I get him to change? Evelyn
Evelyn,
I hate to tell you this but it sounds like your dating a narcissist who is all about himself.
Healthy men want nothing more than to please you.
Men like the one you’re dating want nothing more than for you to please them.
You can’t change a man so decide whether or not you like who he is.
If you don’t, get back out there and find a man who has interests closer to your own and wants nothing more than to see you happy.
I would love to hear your thoughts and comments.
Until next time~
Believing in You!
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Excellent post, yep, in the first case, he may well cheat and if his marriage was so awful, he should’ve done the necessary work to get out of it BEFORE taking up with another.
The second scenario sounds a great deal like a narc/ control freak. The one time I attempted to date a local, it was the same thing; violent movies plus trying to force his love of guns on my pacifist and academic self. This dude has no idea how women think, what we like or dislike or does not care.
Thanks NoQuay….always appreciate your insights.
I also dated a self centered man. Always watched the movies he wanted. Never went anywhere I wanted to go. It was all about him. Of course I got rid of him. He didn’t care about what I wanted at all.
It’s great Dodie that you realized how important your needs were too in this relationship. So many women self sacrifice their own needs for a man’s just to have someone in their life. I give you a lot of credit for being able to let go of what was no longer working for you. Hope your out there dating again.