Dear Lisa, Why Is He Doing This In My Mom’s Kitchen?
Dear Lisa,
My dating life has been so awful recently. Every man I’ve met is just a little boy in a man’s body. I feel like the men who are attracted to me are looking for a mom, not a date and that’s not where I want to be.
They seem so strong when we start dating. Yet after a while, I start seeing their emotional wounds. They want me to do everything for them and take care of them. And I’ve found they give so little back. I end up giving them my all and what happens is they start accusing me of being a controlling b****. Why am I attracting these little boys? And what can I do to attract a man instead? Samantha W.
Samantha,
Men like these are called Project Men. Something is askew either financially or emotionally within them that they are looking for a strong woman to fix.
Over time, you’ll find this man rebels like he would with his mom when he was 16. Even though he loves being taken care of, he begins to resent what you are doing for him. He feels controlled the same way he felt controlled as a teenager and that’s why you got called a name.
Now some women love a good project. They find it fulfilling to feel so needed, especially after children have flown the coop, leaving them with an empty nest.
If you find yourself over-giving to the men you date…and you’re always making sure his needs are fulfilled before yours, then you’re attracting Project Men.
An emotionally healthy man wants a partner, not a mommy. There is give and take in the relationship and he wants to please you and make sure your needs are met before his, not the other way around.
Dear Lisa,
I really learn a lot from reading your blogs. I am in my 50’s and find dating very difficult. Just 3 weeks ago I met a man who was a couple of years younger than me. Finally, it felt like I met someone I was attracted to and I was pretty sure it was mutual.
On our first date, he asked me a few sexual questions. That’s when I should have ended it. The next 2 dates, he got a little more touchy-feely and I still ignored it. I made the mistake of inviting him to a family party. He was great with me and everyone really liked him.
Except, he had his hands all over me in my mom’s kitchen when everyone was outside. It made me uncomfortable because my kids and grandkids could have come in any moment. After the party, he called and told me that he was mad because I didn’t invite him in to my apartment and proceeded to tell me to screw myself. The next day, I heard he was asking the dating service I met him on that he wanted other women to date. The excuse was that I was too reserved.
I’ve had a few relationships in these past 5 years that have all gone wrong and most of the time I blame myself thinking there is something wrong with me. How can I not let this happen to me again and again? Help! Raleigh B.
Raleigh B,
There is nothing wrong with you other than you are missing tools and skills for dating at this age. You are like so many single women, thinking dating should be a natural. It is not. It’s a learned skill and without the skills, you start getting frustrated and blaming yourself.
So, the first thing I want you to do is stop thinking something is wrong with you and start looking at the patterns of men you date. You will probably find there are common themes about the men you are most attracted to. And the men you are most attracted to are the ones you feel safest with.
HOWEVER, they aren’t the safest for you.
Try dating men who aren’t your usual type. It will feel very awkward at first but stick with it. You might find a great guy this way.
As for the sex part, decide what your sexual boundaries are before the first date. If a man doesn’t respect them, let him go. He’s showing you his intentions are about meeting his needs not about creating the healthy relationship you desire.
Please tell me what you think in the comments.
Believing in You!
Your Next Steps to Love after 50. . . .
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I think in both these cases, it is an issue of not being picky enough, or not ending it fast enough when it becomes clear that there are problems. The mommies boy type of guy is generally all that is available here. They are outta work, generally deadbeats, and were raised or learned from older men that women are their keepers. If a man does not step up to the plate, do his share of the work, make an effort, its time for him to be gone. I haev found that if a guy has no real retirement or is not making an effort to be employed, don’t even go there as this is major trouble.
The latter is clearly a boundary issue. This dude just wanted to use her for sex; that is why he very rudely blew her off when she showed she had boundaries. we all are going to meet many, many unsuitable men and some outright creepazoids; the point is to recognize them and not let em in. Lisa, you talk about dating outside your type: my type is educated, has a work ethic, takes good physical care of himself, and is financially responsible and WILL treat me with respect. I am a tad worried that “outside my type” means some of the schlubs described in todays post. Scary. Should one truly date a man you have zero attraction for because he is in poor shape, who is not intellectual when you are, is in financial trouble? I dunno.