How Your Body Image – Not Your Body – Affects Your Dating Life After 50
Guest Post by Lisa Stromeier
When meeting a potential date, you want to lead with your confidence.
It seems like common sense, but you’d be surprised how many times people don’t follow this important rule and instead highlight their insecurities.
Imagine this scenario: You’re perusing online profiles, looking for that special spark that tells you you’ve found the profile of a man you want to explore further.
Maybe he doesn’t look exactly the way you had hoped, but you share a lot of the same interests, values, and beliefs. What the heck, why not give it a try?
I had a similar experience a while back on eHarmony.
My potential date (we’ll call him James) was quite overweight.
Yet, he seemed to have most of the qualities I’d been looking for in a romantic partner.
His profile also noted he was committed to working out several times a week.
He was making healthy food choices, and in the past year had slimmed down a couple of pants sizes.
He wrote that he knew he had a ways to go, but that he was committed to a healthy lifestyle.
Bingo! This guy was sounding better and better since I, too had lost a significant amount of weight several years ago and eating healthy and working out regularly was a must for me and the man of my dreams.
In our first telephone conversation James started the conversation off by telling me he knew he was heavier than the guys I usually went out with but that he was committed to getting healthier.
I shared the fact I’d had a similar weight loss history and that it was great to talk with someone who had similar goals.
But instead of moving the conversation on to any number of other things we seemed to have in common, James continued to bring the conversation back to his shame about being so large.
Try as I might to let him know it was ok, James assumed it would be a deal breaker for me.
We continued talking and although I had some reservations based on his weight fixation I agreed to meet him for a cup of coffee the next day.
James arrived sharply dressed and clearly nervous…who isn’t at a first meeting?
I was hoping that after we had a chance to chat about our common interests he’d relax and open up.
But instead of talking about any of the numerous interests we had in common, he once again started telling me about his struggle with weight loss and that he knew I was “out of his league.”
Oh no! Not this again. I tried to steer the conversation to his work and his passion for volunteering.
When he talked about these topics he was animated, interesting and seemed self-assured.
I wanted to know more about this confident man.
But inevitably he’d go back to telling me more about his insecurities and the fact that he doubted I’d want to date someone who looked like him.
And you know what? He was right.
I didn’t want to date him, not because of his size, but rather because he led with his insecurities about his size.
As a weight loss coach and psychotherapist I’ve worked with hundreds of people of all shapes and sizes.
I know that even the most beautiful people, seemingly perfect sized (whatever that is) have insecurities about their bodies.
In fact, depending on which study you read, the numbers vary from 80% to 97% of women deal with body image issues.
And while the numbers are smaller for men, they aren’t immune to esteem problems based on body image insecurities.
The media has done a huge disservice to all of us.
We see the perfect bodies they project as the norm and too often we find ourselves coming woefully short of what we’ve been led to believe our partners will find sexy.
Want to know what the men in my office say they actually find sexy in a woman?
It begins with her desire to want to be with them.
Next they mentioned the importance of a woman’s self-confidence and enthusiasm as highly attractive qualities.
Think about it, wouldn’t you rather be with someone who was enjoying himself rather than worrying about what the person across from you was thinking about you?
And truthfully, haven’t you noticed that after 50 everyone has kinda funny looking bodies?
Men, women, it doesn’t matter what size they are, gravity has taken ahold of certain things.
Hair has sprouted out of places you’d never imagined hair would sprout… It’s the rare person who looks like the people in the magazines and on TV.
My advice is to focus on the person you’re with and just have fun.
Really listen to what they’re saying.
Talk about the things you enjoy doing that you hope they might enjoy doing too.
Ask them questions about themselves.
We all like knowing that someone’s truly interested in our opinions and curious about what type of activities we do for fun.
But by all means don’t point out what isn’t right about yourself.
Who knows, that could be one of the things your potential partner likes about you.
Do you really want them to feel like there’s something wrong with them for finding you attractive?
We spend too much time comparing ourselves to others and in doing so we forget that we’re comparing our whole selves (insecurities and all) to only what we see on the outside of others.
Remember everyone has their own tender areas.
Take a deep breath.
Put on your smile. Listen. Enjoy the moment.
By doing these things you will be phenomenally attractive and more likely to have a good time.
Lisa Stromeier, LISW, is the owner of “Creating Choices for Health” where she is a weight loss coach and consultant for businesses wanting to create wellness programs for their employees. Using personal stories and humor from both sides of the couch, Lisa speaks to various groups of people about how they, too, can stop yo-yo dieting by understanding the internal triggers which cause them to eat when they’re not hungry. Learn more at www.LisaStromeier.com or contact Lisa at info@LisaStromeier.com.
I’d love to hear how you feel about Lisa’s great advice in the comments.
Until next time~
Believing in You!
Your Next Steps to Love after 50. . . .
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If you are still gearing up for that step, I have plenty of insights and inspiration for you:
1. Subscribe to my YouTube Channel for heartfelt dating wisdom and uplifting success stories from women who have been just where you are. They found love, and so can you. Click here to watch and learn.
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3. Join our Finding Love after 50 Facebook group to find camaraderie and connection. It is a warm and welcoming space to share your journey and receive support every step of the way. Click here to become part of our community.
4. On the lookout for a dating site that resonates with you? Browse through my personal selection of the best dating sites tailor-made for fabulous over 50s. Click here and say goodbye to guesswork.
Let these resources be your steppingstones to a love life filled with promise and joy. When you are ready, I am here to take that journey with you. Together, lets find your Mr. Right! 🌹
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Yep, surprising how many folks do this. Met a dude who decided upon a spur of the moment trip to my town (probably for ulterior motives it turned out) who was a good 40 lbs heavier than his pics and was gobsmacked that I actually looked like my photos. Like your dude he became extremely nervous, kept promising to loose weight, then drank too much, twas the very last I saw or heard from him. I realize my body is far from perfect but let the guy be the judge also knowing that men are far, far, less observant of detail than are we women.
I met a man on match. We emailed back and forth for a while, then talked on the phone a few times. Rather than letting me get to know him, he spent most recently of the conversation complaining about out match dates. We finally agreed to meet for coffee.At 9 am the day we were supposed to meet, he called to reschedule. When I sounded less than cheerful , he said i was not supportive. Then I asked him to select a different time and place to meet, he was not able to ‘come up’ with a place. Even though we never met in person, his body language was coming through loud and clear.
I share this to help to remind everyone their attitudes and self confidence, or lack thereof , come through with what you write, how you speak and how you hold yourself in person. I won’t share the details of his nasty gram that followed. I will share I’ve got a date with a great guy with self confidence tomorrow evening.
So when that bump in the road happens, just let it roll off of you and keep on going.
Excellent post!
Thank you Teresa. Happy Holidays to you.