Here Are 3 Reasons Why A Man Just Disappears
When Elana met Alan, his good looks literally took her breath away.
He looked so handsome and sexy in his black pants, white shirt and sport coat.
Wow…she couldn’t believe how nice he’d dressed for her. She loved that he so wanted to impress her.
A mutual friend had introduced them so she felt comfortable with Alan’s suggestion he pick her up.
They headed to a local restaurant and sat outside enjoying the final days of summer, a good bottle of wine and a leisurely dinner.
Elana couldn’t believe it. As she sat across from Alan, she felt like she’d met the man of her dreams.
To her, he was amazing… openly talking about anything and everything including exploring the possibility of a relationship with her.
He made her feel so girly and feminine about herself, which felt really good. And on top of all that… he loved doing the same things she loved doing.
She was truly in awe of this man.
The next time they met, Alan came back to her home and as they talked and laughed, he offered to rub her feet. She felt like she’d died and gone to heaven. No man had ever done this before.
His touch was perfect and she found herself just melting into his blue eyes and gentle hands as they talked more and more about the possibilities of being in relationship together.
As the third date approached, Elana found herself totally infatuated with this man feeling like she’d finally met her Mr. Right.
The morning of their date, Alan texted that he couldn’t make their date and he thought they should just be friends.
Elana was stunned.
Up to now, everything this man had said and done had screamed of relationship. Thinking she’d met the man of her dreams, she couldn’t understand why he’d backed away.
What happened to Elana is actually pretty common.
I want to share 3 reasons for why this happens and what you can do to heal should it happen to you…
#1. You’re not alone if you’ve painted a picture in your head of who you think your Prince Charming is.
When it feels like he’s shown up on the first date…it’s normal to get really excited.
And even before you’ve finished your cup of coffee it’s not uncommon to start imagining yourself in a wedding dress walking down the aisle with this special guy.
Having said this… I want you to pay close attention to the next few sentences.
1st dates are meet and greets.
2nd dates are for getting to know him better.
3rd dates are for getting to know him better.
4th dates are for getting to know him even better.
Do you get my drift? Go on a date expecting nothing more than to meet a new and interesting person. That’s it.
Don’t paint pictures of who he is until you’ve known him a while.
Those pictures you paint are a set up for getting hurt once you discover he isn’t who he appeared to be in his profile or on your first date.
#2. Men talk out loud about what they are thinking.
A man might verbally explore a relationship with you because he wants it, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready for it and that is probably what happened here.
It’s possible Alan really liked Elana… then got scared and backed off till he could sort his feelings out.
Men get scared too!
The best thing you can do when you find a guy you really like is to continue dating him and other men until the two of you decide to create a committed, exclusive relationship together.
#3. Try and not blame yourself when a man disappears.
It’s really not about you.
It’s about something going on inside of him, whether its fear, confusion or just him talking out loud about what he thinks he wants.
The best thing you can do is to go slow while observing whether or not a new man walks his talk and is who he appears to be.
And remember… Some day, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.
Until next time~
Believing in You!
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Maybe I'm just reading this wrong, but I'm not seeing the 3 reasons why a guy leaves.
I'm really just reading one: ~~A man might verbally explore a relationship with you because he wants it, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready for it ~~It’s about something going on inside of him, whether its fear, confusion or just him talking out loud about what he thinks he wants.
I think guys 'leave' or chose not to continue the relationship because:
1. You are not who/what they are looking for.
2. They met someone they like better.
3. They don't want to get attached and find they are getting attached to you. They like to date but don't want to give up that bachelor freedom.
4. Something else hase come up in their life.
But one thing is true…. the right guy is out there somewhere and you just have to keep going.
I'd be really interested in hearing why guys go on a couple of dates and then just disappear.
I had this happen to me. We had multiple dates and everything was going nicely. I said I was having a garage sale and he offered to help, which I accepted. He called the morning of the sale and said he was on his way. He never arrived and I never heard from him again. What happened? I did call and email, once of each, just in case he had been in an accident. Never heard back.
Hi Bloomingdales 316,
While I am dating someone that I like. I want to go out and have fun! I do not invite them to my home to cook for them or include them any of my events that would feel like a normal couple function. There is plenty of time for those type of things later if we become a couple. I hope that makes sense. He may not of had the courage to tell you that himself which should speak volumes about his character anyways! I had the same thing happen to me after I dated someone only 5 times in a matter of 2 months it was looking way too much like a relationship and It felt like pressure. But when he asked me why, I told him. I hope this helps!
Hi Dawn
In this case, we had only done fun things. He asked about doing something the following Saturday, I replied I can’t because I’m having this garage sale. He asked me if I wanted help. He offered. I did not ask or pressure him in any way.
We talked the day before the sale about going out later in the week. I spoke to him the morning if the sale. He called and said ” I’m on my way”
He never arrived and I never heard from him again.
I agree with your second post. I do go into dating with an attitude of meeting someone new and having a good time. I might not be right for him. He might not be right for me.
I’m okay no matter how it turns out. The majority of my post had to do with the details of the blog post. — 3 reasons why guys leave .
I’m not looking for all guys to want me… I’m only looking for one very special guy… Who also gives me those butterflies John spoke about.
Happy Dating
Hi Bloomingdale,
I completely understand and I had hoped I conveyed myself well! I realize I am not a man, lol. But it is another perspective because I chose not to see him anymore because it made me uncomfortable to be in a couples type setting. I was attracted to him and I liked him but I should not have said yes to go with him. I think we were having fun and I was caught up in the moment. But It was the last time I saw him and he was a nice guy and I was attracted to him but I guess it scared me off that it was too much too fast. If I was asked again or I guess if I was offered as you were, I would decline. As I said before, just my opinion. But that is what we are here to offer.
Also realize the great preponderance of dating men are womanizers, or already have a GF. This man sounds too good to not have any women already on his plate.
The better the man, the more numbers he has in his cell phone. Simple math.
"I'd be really interested in hearing why guys go on a couple of dates and then just disappear'.
Men go on dates to see if they are attracted to you, from you personality, to how you look in clothes (jeans,dresses,etc.), how you act in public, and what we might have in common. We want that racing heart butterfly in the stomach feel.
We leave because you are not what we are looking for period.
Since I been working with Lisa and changed my perspective on dating, I am having so much fun. I can honestly say, that the thought of someone talking to me about wanting to be exclusive or us having a "relationship" before we know each other better would probably make me wonder why he feels so rushed. Please forgive me if this comes out harsh but most of the responses seem to be, guessing why he chose to "just be friends" or that he may be a player. Truly, what does it matter. I go on a date and get to meet someone new. But I do not give it any thought after I walk away. If he wants to call, great and if not, great. Enjoy this time! It is way to early to analyze anything. Time is on our side.
Hi John
Thanks for the very honest reply. I appreciate that.
Perhaps you could answer one more question. Why does a guy have two or three dates with you, makes plans , I.e. sets date time and place for the fourth date, and then never shows up or cancels on the day of the date.
Does he rethink things and redecide , nope, she’s not what in looKing for after all?
I understand what you are saying completely, as we ladies do the same thing.
It very difficult to tell the guy he’s a great person but not right for me. Would it be betterif I just did not answer the phone or return the email. Is it better to simply disappear than to give some closure?
There is no right or wrong answer. Just looking for some perspective
Thanks again.
Both guys and gals fade (disappear) prior to a date, after a few dates, after promising the moon or promising nothing before or after sex and for any or no reason. Analysis is pointless, and asking for “feedback” or “clarity” from a fader can only lead to something negative for all parties. Let them go and leave it at that. Online dating is online marketing, so it is invariably a numbers game. I have faded and been faded on. If a woman doesn’t answer my text after a few hours, I just move on. That’s just part of the game. Online dating is not for the faint-of-heart, those committed to equality or social justice, or idealists. It requires a harsh realism, but one that is not cynical or pessimistic. It still needs energetic optimism, paradoxical as that may seem. Yet, the top emotional speed for any date or person in the early stages of dating should be “cautious optimism.” Investing more than that is suicidal.
As for the case of “Elana” and “Alan” above, I could have easily predicted that outcome. The reason is that the guy is too sappy and romantic. He is either a (clumsy) player or a guy who is simply trying too hard. Romantic outings, saying romantic things, picnics, foot massages, poetry candle light dinners, dressing up in sparkly clothes…these are all things clumsy players or desperate men do on first dates. They do these things because they know this is what women want to experience. As a comedian said, “Do men go on picnics with their buddies? No. Why? It’s because men don’t like picnics. We go because women like them.” Absolutely. If a man is pouring on the romance very hot and heavy on the very first dates, he’s either trying to (A) clumsily get into the sack ASAP or (B) doesn’t have much experience with women, and is copying things he’s seen or TV or the Web. Alan faded because Elana didn’t hop in the sack with him right away (most likely) or because Alan drifted onto something else. It doesn’t make him a villain.
A guy looking for (or at least open to) something longer-term, or at least one with more experience will usually pick a less flashy first date: Happy hour (my favorite), coffee, miniature golf, maybe a public wine tasting, gallery viewing or boat ride. Note that these are social events that are enjoyable in themselves and don’t require a lot of intense 1:1 time that a clumsy player or desperate man needs. However, a smoother player will also date this way, so as not to appear to be clumsy or desperate or inexperienced. In sum, a guy who is an experienced dater looking for something serious and a guy who wants to get you in the sack ASAP smoothly will date in the same way. I’m not sure how you tell the difference, but I guess you could probably figure it out.
I disagree with John that men are looking for “butterflies” or some other such awesomeness. I know some men that would rather be alone (and usually are) than date any woman less than a supermodel. Others will date almost any woman who is breathing. I would say most men (myself included) know that we don’t rate a supermodel and instead have an attractiveness “threshold” and any woman who at least meets that threshold is okay to date and get to know better. The threshold will vary from man to man.
Thank you for the reminder that we need to take it slow and watch and stay in the moment.
"Why does a guy have two or three dates with you, makes plans , I.e. sets date time and place for the fourth date, and then never shows up or cancels on the day of the date".
The guy finally decides that the relationship is going nowhere. He makes the date cancels or never shows up with his EGO intact.
" I know some men that would rather be alone (and usually are) than date any woman less than a supermodel".
Why do men want to date a supermodel because it makes the heart race and loins pump.
There are only a handful of supermodels on the planet, and they are reserved for top 1% of men. Supermodels (or even just extraodinarily attractive women) are great to look at, but it's ridiculous for an ordinary man to hold out for that. Guys who do that will be (and are, as I've seen) immature (even at 50+), dateless, delusional and will die alone amid their stacks of adult magazines.
Dear Lisa,
Thank you very much for sharing me with these 3 great ideas. I like it so much. It is much helpful to me to deal with my dating situation now.
God bless you,
Sorphea
Wow John
You really give men a bad impression.
That they rate their women only by external attributes
And their egos are in such a state that they can’t simply say Hey, it’s not working out.
Could I possibly suggest you want to date a supermodel because being next to her gives you status and builds your ego. As in hey boys look what I’m sleeping with.
Now I’m Not saying all or even most men are like that. It’s just the impression you are leaving
Speed
Thank you for yet another insightful post. I really look forward to what you have to say and your point of view. Thanks again.
One last question.
How long should we ladies wait to not hear from you to know you’ve faded. 3 days? A week? Just wondering.
Thanks again.
Don't engage John. He's just a troll, so don't feed him. As to contact, if I have even moderate interest in a woman I try to stay in touch every 48-72 hours…if not by phone call, then at least by text or email. If she calls or texts me, I either answer or contact her within 5 hours.
If I go let 72 hours go by without contacting her, it means I have only marginal interest in her and don't really mind if she moves on to someone else. I have never set up a date and not even bothered to show up without even sending a text to cancel. I have faded (and been faded upon), but it doesn't mean I abandoned all basic courtesy. Fading is "no contact for further dates." It is not making dates and not showing up. I made the date, so I have a responsibility to show up or, if not, cancel ahead of time as early as possible. Although realistically, I am always prepared for the woman to not show up. If it happens, I shrug, forget about her and move on. Not every sales deal can close.
As to your guy, he did you a big avor by not showing up and calling to cancel. It means he showed you who he is right away. Would you have rather learned that 10 months later, after you were heavily invested?
But I think you already know that. You know that people show who they are early. Every man or woman who outs themselves very early on with vulgarity, craziness, ignornace, addiction, and so on is doing everyone else a very big favor. Ignore trolls, ignore rude boys..as Jay-Z rapped, just "brush them off your shoulders" like dust and move on.
Then again, you don't need me to tell you that. You already know it.
Thanks Speed.
And you are completely right, I’d rather find out sooner than later.
I very seldom stress about not hearing from a guy. If he’s not interested, then that’s okay. In this one particular case though, it was just odd how it happened.
As a friend of mine used to say after a going nowhere date. ‘Nope. Next!’
Which says it all.
But the five hour timeframe…. I’m not that attached to my computer and often don’t respond until the next day. Should I revise this and check in online more often?
Thanks again Speed, and thanks for the John advice.
If I have high interest in a woman, I try to initiate contact as often as possible, and respond quickly (sometimes not possible because of work). However, I'm a man and hence, I know I have to be an aggresssive pursuer. If a (new) woman doesn't respond after many hours or a day, I give up on her. However…it doesn't mean she's not welcome to "come back" later on. People change. One woman never answered my message on Match, but then about a year later she messaged me on her own. I'm guessing she forgot about my initial message or, more likely, she flamed out with her first-round draft picks and then drilled down into her second-round, which included me. No problem. I never reminded her of the intial message I sent. We had a good time together for a while.
Online dating is fluid and fast-moving, like the stock market. You can't get hung up on yesterday's prices; they don't mean anything. So fading or declining initial contact is okay. The only women I completely cut off are those who are no-shows or cancellers on first dates or those who say or do something "crazy" (no shortage of these on Match) on the first date or in the initial message exchange.
Other than that, there is no shame in being a second (or third) round pick. Afer all, we also usually have to settle for a second or third-round pick ourselves. That is another hard reality of online dating.
In other words, don't worry about not responding in an exact amount of time. If a guy really likes you, he'll be happy to hear from you, even if it's late. Beyond that, he'll be trying to get in contact with you regularly anyway. When a guy wants something, he makes a big effort: money, woman, scoring during a game, whatever. If he's not making an effort, he doesn't care about it. Noquay's comment below seems right-on, too. I think you already know this.
I tried to give guys I felt “Meh” about 2-3 dates to see if there was any chance of it working. If not, then I politely begged off and that was it. A good many people read waaaay to much into an encounter with someone who is a veritable steanger waaay too soon. You cannot know a person until you have been with them consistently for a number of months. On line is a crap shoot, about 99% rejection, it’s a tough world where you cannot invest too much too soon or take things personally unless the same issue comes up multiple times with multiple people, then and only then is it you. This dude talking about seeing himself in a rship with you on what, date one? A huge red flag.